I was seventeen years old and had been married since October... I was in labor with my first son and had been in the hospital since about 11pm the night before. I was frightened and excited about the imminent change that was about to take place in my life. All of my friends were enjoying their senior year and playing soccer-- they were doing what I would be doing had I not gotten pregnant. Instead of preparing for prom and looking forward to graduating, I was learning to be a housewife and preparing to give birth!
It had been a long day so far, and I was just ready to meet my little boy. After avoiding pain medicine for as long as possible, I finally decided that I had felt enough contractions to earn my stripes and could use some relief! I pushed the button for my nurse and asked for some medicine. My husband and his sister were lounging around the room and pretty soon the waiting room would begin to fill up with other family members who were awaiting our bundle of joy. Although the path I was on didn't resemble the path I expected to take in life, I was very accepting of it and was happy and blessed to say the least.
With the relief of medicine coursing through my veins, I began to doze off. I found myself floating above the room, I was seeing everything from the ceiling! I could see myself lying in the bed with my eyes closed, so young and so brave. I could see my husband going through his overnight bag in the corner and I could see his sister sitting sideways in the chair playing with her phone. I was wiser and felt very at peace. I began to float across the room, through the wall above the doorway, and out into the hall. I watched the nurses heading from room to room with their little medicine carts, I could see a doctor heading into a patient's room in blue scrubs, and I could hear the moans of laboring mothers. In the distance I saw a familiar face. It was my Daddy! He had on khaki pants, a brown belt, brown shoes, a button up plaid shirt with a pen in his pocket. I was happy to see him coming toward me. Just as he got to the door of my room and knocked lightly on the door, I was sucked smoothly and quickly through the wall and back into my body. I heard the knock and opened my eyes to see him walking in with a smile on his face. "Hey Daddy!" I said, a bit drowsy and loopy from the medicine. "I just saw you in my dream! You were walking down the hall wearing that same exact outfit..."
Daddy kind of laughed and I could tell that Daniel and his sister found me amusing too, "Was there anything you wanted to tell me?" Daddy asked, still smiling.
"Yes..." I thought about it for a second, because as I watched him walk toward me a million things were going through my head. I was thankful he was there, thankful that he was supportive of me even though he was probably disappointed with me in a way, and I was glad that no matter how many children I had or how married I was that I would always be his baby girl!!! None of those things came out, instead I smiled a little and said. "I wanted to say.... Hey!!!"
At the time I didn't really realize what it was, at the time I had never heard of an OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, but now thinking back I see that it was definitely an OBE. I have never forgotten it and can remember it so vividly over a decade later! It was a very peaceful and lovely experience. The part of it that really strikes me is how clear my thoughts were and how aware I was. I could see things from a broader perspective, including the room!
Tomorrow my little boy turns 11! I like to joke and say that my labor spanned 3 days, two months, and 27 hours. When he came out the doctor loudly announced "It's a girl!" I didn't even realize that the sun was rising & that it was April Fool's Day already! I gasped and flashes of blue walls and boy clothes bolted through my head as I let out a scream! "April Fools!" he announced, smiling broadly beneath his mask. I am thankful for my son, he established this family and caused me to make decisions that I am truly grateful to have made... I love my life and my family and I really wouldn't have it any other way!
Happy Birthday tomorrow English! I love you!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
His Life As: A Soldier
Background Info: My ten year old son has dealt with unexplainable anger over the past two years. He just gets angry and down. He has migraine headaches and sometimes just seems miserable. We couldn't understand why! I worried about him a lot... It was disrupting the entire family because we were constantly having to deal with his anger outbursts and mediate arguments between he and his brother. He is a very sweet boy, and the anger just wasn't like him! And as for his anger towards his brother, it was unexplainable as well. He just didn't like his brother at all. Anytime I would have talks with him about his issues, he would blame everything on his brother who is 17 months younger than him. His brother is very helpful, kind, and goofy. He's hard to be mad at even when he has done something wrong, but according to his older brother he is completely infuriating and was the major cause for any anger.
After hearing about my past life experiences he wanted to try it too. It was more of a game for him really. The first time he tried it we used a CD recording (I now do them myself and he's able to access much more detail with personalized guidance) and after researching to be sure that it was safe, I decided to let both boys try it. Part of my reason for letting them try it was because I wanted to be sure that I wasn't the only one experiencing this! I knew my husband wouldn't be likely to try it, so I allowed him to.
His First PLR: I stayed in the room with him as he put the ear buds in and relaxed in the recliner. I watched as his eyelids began to flutter and his breathing changed. Since I was studying hypnotherapy I watched his physical changes and could tell that he was fairly deep. After the regression session ended he and I spoke about his experience... He said he was a soldier wearing light blue or gray uniform. He wasn't wearing shoes and was standing in a field all alone. His uniform was torn and dirty. He could see a white tent beside him and the entire field was empty other than his tent. He had a gun with a sword on the end. He was missing his right arm and his left leg and had bandages wrapped around the limbs like a mummy. Of course with this being his first regression he didn't get nearly as deep as the regressions that you'll read about later, but I was amazed that he even got that much information.
He and I looked together online and found pictures of American Civil War soldiers and he identified that the uniform that the south wore was exactly what he had on, even down to the hat. He didn't know his name, but he knew that he got his injuries in the war. They have not learned about the Civil War at school yet and he wouldn't know about tents or uniforms or any of that!
Reflections: Several weeks after my son's regression I went to a medium's group channeling. It was actually the talented Jamie Butler who works with Dr. Medhus of Channeling Erik on www.channelingerik.com . They are both wonderful ladies! Channeling Erik is an amazing resource about all things spiritual and is hope for us all that our loved ones are not truly gone once they pass, check it out! Oh and Jamie's website is http://withloveandlight.com/ and she holds monthly channeling sessions that are absolutely amazing to witness! Anyway, my friend and I drove to Atlanta to attend the group channeling. I hadn't planned to ask a question at all, but right before they evening came to an end I found myself saying "Grace..." Grace was the third spirit that Jamie was channeling, a sweet sweet spirit with an unfailing English accent, and she turned her attention to me. Below you will see exactly what was said word for word (I recorded it on my phone!!!), prepared to be amazed! I certainly was!
ME: Grace...
GRACE: Yes
ME: Um I have a son, he's ten years old and he's just angry. He has no reason to be angry, and I want to know what I can do for him.
GRACE: That anger is not coming from this lifetime.
ME: I didn't think so
GRACE: It is coming from another memory but he has no idea that it is a separate memory and is making it all about this life. He probably will not sit down for a past life regression, that is not an option. I'm asking how do we hypnotize a boy without a boy knowing?
ME: That is funny because I'm studying to be a hypnotherapist. That's really funny!
GRACE: Can we talk him into being a guinea pig for you?
ME: Yes I've done it some and he's a good little guinea pig but lately he isn't going under very well, he used to be easy to get under, but lately he hasn't gone very deep.
GRACE: How about now when he sleeps? Does he sleep heavy?
ME: Um, not heavy as his brother, but he sleeps well.
(Idk why I said that and it sounds dumb listening to it now haha! I was just thinking about his brother being sleep walker and being hard to wake up I guess. Actually everything I said sounded totally dumb! Guess I don't hear myself recorded very often!)
GRACE: I kind of apologize for telling you, but not really... When people are sleeping they're very susceptible to suggestions, especially children because the way they sleep is very unique. As we get older we gain responsibility and we gain, you know, is our house safe, is my door locked, are my children okay? So we sleep under a certain edge, but children don't, so when they're sleeping you can sneak in and say suggestions to connect to where his anger is and to acknowledge his anger is not anchored to this life, but it is anchored to another life and he has memories of the anger.
ME: Does it involve me? Is it something that I did to him, or somebody in our close family?
GRACE: It is somebody in the family but it is not you it is another man, a boy in the family.
ME: His brother, he hates his brother for no reason.
GRACE: They were both men in other lifetime and they were both in military.
ME: (Gasp) He has a Civil War memory!
GRACE: So when you talk to him when he's asleep, make sure your suggestions are telling him that the anger is a memory of that life, not this one. The anger belongs to that one. Get him to separate. Once we can get him to understand that it is a memory and it doesn't belong in this life, then when it occurs in this life you can talk about "Oh don't you have a memory or a dream that you had, or a vision in a life when you're in the military? Does it feel similar?" Then you can talk about it being distant. And then once you get that down then you can put that life to rest. You can talk about how his knife was, how his gun was, everything that he used to do and everything he wore, his shoes, his smell, put it all to rest.
ME: Thank you.
For me this is just confirmation about past life regressions! I mean this lady was able to tell people details about their lives during that evening that were confirmable... She even helped one family who was in doubt about their parents murder suicide to confirm that it was actually done by a third party as they suspected. She knew amazing details about their situation and had great insight for everyone in the room. This was mind blowing that he had just recently had a past life regression where he was in the military, the fact that he just plain can't stand his sweet brother, and the fact that she tied it in with hypnosis. It is just amazing!
Please check out her website if you live in the area and could attend a channeling. Also check out Channeling Erik because it will definitely touch you heart, not to mention the awesome interviews and info available there! :)
Oh and his anger? It is improving EVERYDAY! His brother is gone to friends house this weekend and it is like he's a totally different child when his brother is gone. Happier, nicer, and less worried about life in general. I think it will just take time, but I shared with him what the medium said... Maybe one day we'll revisit that lifetime through regression and put it to rest even more. The fact that his anger is from another lifetime really explains a lot and answers many of my questions about it.
UPDATE!
Saturday night we were on our way to Anderson, SC. We like to go through the country and view the scenery. My oldest son said "Look! Those are the tents! That is what I saw in my past life, Mama!" I looked over and fumbled to get my phone out. They were having a Civil War reenactment and we just happened to pass it! I had seen the signs around the area but hadn't given it much thought! Maybe next year I will try to take him!!!
After hearing about my past life experiences he wanted to try it too. It was more of a game for him really. The first time he tried it we used a CD recording (I now do them myself and he's able to access much more detail with personalized guidance) and after researching to be sure that it was safe, I decided to let both boys try it. Part of my reason for letting them try it was because I wanted to be sure that I wasn't the only one experiencing this! I knew my husband wouldn't be likely to try it, so I allowed him to.
His First PLR: I stayed in the room with him as he put the ear buds in and relaxed in the recliner. I watched as his eyelids began to flutter and his breathing changed. Since I was studying hypnotherapy I watched his physical changes and could tell that he was fairly deep. After the regression session ended he and I spoke about his experience... He said he was a soldier wearing light blue or gray uniform. He wasn't wearing shoes and was standing in a field all alone. His uniform was torn and dirty. He could see a white tent beside him and the entire field was empty other than his tent. He had a gun with a sword on the end. He was missing his right arm and his left leg and had bandages wrapped around the limbs like a mummy. Of course with this being his first regression he didn't get nearly as deep as the regressions that you'll read about later, but I was amazed that he even got that much information.
He and I looked together online and found pictures of American Civil War soldiers and he identified that the uniform that the south wore was exactly what he had on, even down to the hat. He didn't know his name, but he knew that he got his injuries in the war. They have not learned about the Civil War at school yet and he wouldn't know about tents or uniforms or any of that!
Reflections: Several weeks after my son's regression I went to a medium's group channeling. It was actually the talented Jamie Butler who works with Dr. Medhus of Channeling Erik on www.channelingerik.com . They are both wonderful ladies! Channeling Erik is an amazing resource about all things spiritual and is hope for us all that our loved ones are not truly gone once they pass, check it out! Oh and Jamie's website is http://withloveandlight.com/ and she holds monthly channeling sessions that are absolutely amazing to witness! Anyway, my friend and I drove to Atlanta to attend the group channeling. I hadn't planned to ask a question at all, but right before they evening came to an end I found myself saying "Grace..." Grace was the third spirit that Jamie was channeling, a sweet sweet spirit with an unfailing English accent, and she turned her attention to me. Below you will see exactly what was said word for word (I recorded it on my phone!!!), prepared to be amazed! I certainly was!
ME: Grace...
GRACE: Yes
ME: Um I have a son, he's ten years old and he's just angry. He has no reason to be angry, and I want to know what I can do for him.
GRACE: That anger is not coming from this lifetime.
ME: I didn't think so
GRACE: It is coming from another memory but he has no idea that it is a separate memory and is making it all about this life. He probably will not sit down for a past life regression, that is not an option. I'm asking how do we hypnotize a boy without a boy knowing?
ME: That is funny because I'm studying to be a hypnotherapist. That's really funny!
GRACE: Can we talk him into being a guinea pig for you?
ME: Yes I've done it some and he's a good little guinea pig but lately he isn't going under very well, he used to be easy to get under, but lately he hasn't gone very deep.
GRACE: How about now when he sleeps? Does he sleep heavy?
ME: Um, not heavy as his brother, but he sleeps well.
(Idk why I said that and it sounds dumb listening to it now haha! I was just thinking about his brother being sleep walker and being hard to wake up I guess. Actually everything I said sounded totally dumb! Guess I don't hear myself recorded very often!)
GRACE: I kind of apologize for telling you, but not really... When people are sleeping they're very susceptible to suggestions, especially children because the way they sleep is very unique. As we get older we gain responsibility and we gain, you know, is our house safe, is my door locked, are my children okay? So we sleep under a certain edge, but children don't, so when they're sleeping you can sneak in and say suggestions to connect to where his anger is and to acknowledge his anger is not anchored to this life, but it is anchored to another life and he has memories of the anger.
ME: Does it involve me? Is it something that I did to him, or somebody in our close family?
GRACE: It is somebody in the family but it is not you it is another man, a boy in the family.
ME: His brother, he hates his brother for no reason.
GRACE: They were both men in other lifetime and they were both in military.
ME: (Gasp) He has a Civil War memory!
GRACE: So when you talk to him when he's asleep, make sure your suggestions are telling him that the anger is a memory of that life, not this one. The anger belongs to that one. Get him to separate. Once we can get him to understand that it is a memory and it doesn't belong in this life, then when it occurs in this life you can talk about "Oh don't you have a memory or a dream that you had, or a vision in a life when you're in the military? Does it feel similar?" Then you can talk about it being distant. And then once you get that down then you can put that life to rest. You can talk about how his knife was, how his gun was, everything that he used to do and everything he wore, his shoes, his smell, put it all to rest.
ME: Thank you.
For me this is just confirmation about past life regressions! I mean this lady was able to tell people details about their lives during that evening that were confirmable... She even helped one family who was in doubt about their parents murder suicide to confirm that it was actually done by a third party as they suspected. She knew amazing details about their situation and had great insight for everyone in the room. This was mind blowing that he had just recently had a past life regression where he was in the military, the fact that he just plain can't stand his sweet brother, and the fact that she tied it in with hypnosis. It is just amazing!
Please check out her website if you live in the area and could attend a channeling. Also check out Channeling Erik because it will definitely touch you heart, not to mention the awesome interviews and info available there! :)
Oh and his anger? It is improving EVERYDAY! His brother is gone to friends house this weekend and it is like he's a totally different child when his brother is gone. Happier, nicer, and less worried about life in general. I think it will just take time, but I shared with him what the medium said... Maybe one day we'll revisit that lifetime through regression and put it to rest even more. The fact that his anger is from another lifetime really explains a lot and answers many of my questions about it.
UPDATE!
Saturday night we were on our way to Anderson, SC. We like to go through the country and view the scenery. My oldest son said "Look! Those are the tents! That is what I saw in my past life, Mama!" I looked over and fumbled to get my phone out. They were having a Civil War reenactment and we just happened to pass it! I had seen the signs around the area but hadn't given it much thought! Maybe next year I will try to take him!!!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
A Short Story : You Again
You Again
By: Lindsay Golden Johnson
I remember our first lifetime
together. I was the wife and he was the husband, although we never actually
married we knew that we were married at heart. It was a lovely life, quite
different from the life we are living together now and quite different from any
that we have lived together since. Now I’m his daughter and HE is a SHE.
Sometimes I look at her and wonder if she remembers too. The long nights we
spent in each other’s arms. The life so very different from the roles we play
today. Sometimes when she fusses at me about school or a chore that I neglected
to finish to her liking, my mind darts back to how calm and collected he had
always been. Sometimes when she’s in a good mood and wants to hear about my day,
I remember our long moonlit walks and our conversations about life in general.
We used to love to philosophize and ponder most anything except for our
reality.
I don’t know why I remember when
other people don’t. I don’t know why
I’ve always known, but I do know that I am happy to know. It gives me hope for
the future me—it reminds me that this will be over soon too. I almost feel sorry for the people who were born with full amnesia. I feel sorry for people who say "YOLO," or who are terrified to die because they can't remember the hundreds of times that they've made the transition before. Life without amnesia about where I've been gives me a whole different perspective and idea about life than most other people have.When I was three years old I hugged my mother and told her that I remembered when she was my husband. Her eyes grew wide, she pulled away from my embrace, and I realized at that moment that I should never speak of it again. Even at such a young age I knew enough to put that topic to rest forever. There have been other times in my life that I’ve recognized people, and even though they look different, are different genders or races from before, there is just something about them that I recognize and am familiar with. Most importantly I’ve noticed that the people in my life don’t remember like me, even though I do get the feeling that my father in this lifetime believed me. Of course the one person who was like me didn’t last long, my father died when I was six and a half. It feels like I’m destined to be alone and different. I feel like I will always pine for something that can never be mine, whether it is love or whether it is simply feeling content in the "now."
“Ana! Change the cat litter!” Mama screamed across the house. It was a large house, and she did a lot of screaming. The windows seemed to rattle any time she barked an order at me, but I was seventeen and used to it already. I had spent my entire childhood and teen years jumping when she said jump. So of course I jumped up from the watercolor I was working on and hurried down the hall toward the odor of a long neglected litter box. Poor whiskers! He would never want to come back as a pet of mine again. “How many times do I have to tell you the same things? Over and over again, always the same things! I’m tired of repeating everything.” I could hear the stress in her voice and felt that this was about more than the litter box. It almost always was about more than whatever she happened to be fussing about or crying about at the moment.
I glanced in her direction as I passed the kitchen and her face was hardened and sad. It is strange because sadness is a soft emotion, but enough of it can harden anyone. I thought of our life together as a couple, two lifetimes ago, and my heart softened a little. Maybe this lifetime was payback for the things I had done to HIM then. Maybe I caused some of the sadness, that led to the hardness, that led to the pain that I felt almost daily under her scrutiny. Maybe the reason that I couldn’t muster up any amount of hate toward her was because I had loved him so much.
“Florence,” he whispered, his deep voice tickling my ear and
sending chills down my body. “Marry me, Florence.”
I leaned into him and smiled a little. Even though we knew
that we could never get married, we always imagined what it would be like in a
different world. “Someday I will, Sam.” I believed what I said. Someday maybe the
world would be different and kinder.
It was the surge of excitement that
came from the fear of being found out that I sought at first. It was the
feeling of doing something secret and forbidden, but after awhile it was him.
It was his big brown eyes, it was the intensity in his kiss, it was the amazing
ideas that came from such a misunderstood man. Now I was engaged to someone else. John David Hamilton, III was a rich plantation owner who had had his eye on me from the time I was a little girl. He had recently asked for my hand in marriage and my father had obliged eagerly on my behalf before I even had time to consider the thought of it all. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t blurt out the fact that I was in love with a burly black skinned man who called my father “Master.” I couldn’t speak my truth and so I simply thanked him for the proposal and agreed to be his wife in the spring. He wanted it sooner, but I knew I could hold him off awhile longer. I gushed about how beautiful a wedding would be with the dogwoods blooming and the butterflies fluttering about. I asked permission to order cloth for my custom gown from Paris, and that alone would buy me a good bit of time. I knew that someday I would be in his arms and in his bed and would be Mrs. John David Hamilton, III, but until then I would spend my nights with my love, Sam.
“I heard Mr. Hamilton will be here tomorrow. He’s staying for a week.” Sam told me as I pulled on my dress and straightened my hair. “We better keep away until he’s gone.”
“I don’t think I can keep away.” I sat on his knee and he wrapped his arms around me. He had strong, big, and safe arms. I had known Sam in this way for quite awhile. “We’ve been together since I was fourteen you know. How old were you then? I don’t remember.” Sam was smart and educated. I guess he had my Daddy to thank for that.
“Eighteen,” he said, probably thinking back to our first time together like I was. We had gone three years without being caught or even suspected. Everyone loved and trusted Sam. Sam had been born here and had always been respectful and kind and hard-working. Of course he had, he was more civilized and caring than any white man I’d ever known.
“I love you, Sam.” I really did.
“I love you, Florence.” He gave me a little squeeze and shooed me off of his lap. I needed to head back to the house, with John Hamilton coming soon it was no time to get careless. “Don’t take any risks to see me in the next few days. You promise me that.”
“I promise.” I kissed him and vowed to remember the feel of it when John tried to peck away at me with his tiny slivers of lips. I breathed in my Sam and thanked God for the chance to be with him, even if it was in sin. I had a hard time believing that true love could ever be sinful or wrong, regardless of the skin color or lack of betrothal. “Good night.”
“Good night.” Sam whispered with gentle nod and slight smile. I’ll never forget that smile, no matter how many lives I live.
Not long after we changed churches, Mama joined a bowling league and seemed to develop a huge crush on the team captain. It turns out that he was gay. I think she swore off of love after that! This was the first time in several years, nearly a decade actually, that she has even considered dating and had started fixing up and wearing makeup again. Maybe online dating would be the key to her happiness. I really hoped so.
I whistled as she came out of her bedroom and she rolled her eyes. I told her to have a good time and not to stay out too late, all of the things that I knew would either piss her off or make her laugh, and lucky for me she laughed a little and headed out into the warm summer air. I stood on the porch and watched the trail of dust in the driveway settle and sound of her car engine get further in the distance. Mama was tall and slim, her brown bob haircut framed her face and her eyes had a depth to them that couldn’t be acquired in just one lifetime. She was so different from Sam, but somehow she was the same. Something about her energy was like Sam’s. Sometimes when I’d feel her walk into the room I’d think it was him and that I was Florence again. It is strange, and to people who don't remember like I do, it probably sounds incestuous and strange, but we've all traded roles with our soul mates many times. Even you! Lives like Sam and Florence's have a tendency to follow you and remind you every once and awhile of the mistakes you made, and of the people you hurt along the way. Lives like those make you want to do it right this time. My life with Sam makes me want to be nice and patient with Mama. I know the deeper side to her and I know of the kindness and selflessness that her soul is capable of. I know the real Mama, and for that reason alone I could never be a normal teenager. I would never stay out too late or smoke in the bathroom at school. I didn’t want to risk hurting her again. I didn’t want to deepen the pain that life in general is to someone who has lived and died like Sam did. I wanted to protect her, to protect him, and to someday live again in harmony with my soul mate who doesn’t even know she has a soul.
It was nearly eleven when I saw the lights splash across my bedroom wall. I couldn’t wait to hear about her date and gush over the details. That’s always how I imaged our relationship as mother and daughter to be, but instead of coming in and telling me goodnight, I heard her heels click down the hall and her bedroom door slam shut. It must’ve been another fail. Maybe the next one would be the man of her dreams… I really hoped so.
The next few weeks were strained between us to say the least. Mama was depressed again and rarely left the house or her bedroom for that matter. Luckily between my Daddy dying and my grandparents leaving her everything they had, she hadn’t had to work ever. When Mama wasn’t depressed she would volunteer at the elementary school or the library, but times like these when she was depressed nobody ever saw her—not even me.
“Mama,” I tapped on her door with my knuckles. I was taking the car out and wanted to tell her bye.
“What?”
“I’m leaving, I won’t be late though.” I always made a point of getting home on time and doing my best to make her life easy.
“Where are you going?”
“To see a friend,” I said. I had been seeing a guy for awhile but I didn’t really want to tell her that, especially not with her feeling down about her love life.
“Alright, be careful.” She said, so quietly that I almost had to unscramble the words in my head.
“I will.” I was always careful. I drove the speed limit, ate right, made good grades, abstained from sex, wore safety goggles in science lab. I just didn't want to do anything that would add stress to Mama or put her at risk of being disappointed in me. I guess the funny thing about it was that she always seemed disappointed in me anyway.
I stepped out into the balmy July air and felt a little freer than usual. I shouldn’t sit at home painting just to “be there” for someone who didn’t even notice. I shouldn’t try so hard to make a naturally unhappy person happy. Nothing I did worked anyway.
“Of course, I’d love to.” I lied with a forced smile. I just couldn’t imagine a life as his wife. I hoped that eventually I could come to terms with it, but so far I just couldn’t see it.
Mama and Daddy made small talk and I could see how proud they were that such a respectable man had asked for their only daughter’s hand. I didn’t want to disappoint them. Even if they were slave owners, they were good people. After all, they were only following the patterns set for them by society.
By the time John and I stepped onto the path toward the river, the sun was sinking fast. I linked my arm around his elbow and made sure to put on a pleasant face. The house was barely out of sight when he began to tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he felt to call me his. I had to make an excuse about being chilly because when I thought of being "his," I cringed. John took this as an invitation to pull me closer, and I realized how hard pretending was going to be.
“The spring can’t get here soon enough!” John’s light brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his sideburns stopped right above the deep dimples in his cheeks. His eyes were kind, and I supposed he was handsome, but I was in love with someone else and was immune to any charm that he possessed.
“Oh, I have so much to do before then. I can’t believe it is already September!” I wanted to change the subject. When we finally reached the water’s edge John asked if he could kiss me. I nodded slightly and prepared myself, trying not to cringe again.
“Are you okay?” he asked, coming up for air after several minutes of short unfeeling kisses. “It seems like you’re worried about something tonight.”
I smiled and assured him that I was just tired. He took pity for me and suggested that we should head back inside, and I tried not to sound too excited when I accepted. “Maybe we can take another walk before you leave tomorrow.”
“Yes, maybe we will.” John wasn’t too pleased at the abrupt ending of our evening stroll, but I on the other hand was very pleased.
Not long after I headed upstairs for bed, I snuck down the back staircase and out to the tree where Sam and I often met. I didn't know if he would be there or not, because I wasn't supposed to sneak around with John visiting. It really was risky. Thankfully as I got closer, I saw his silhouette against the moonlit sky and felt my heart fill up again. “Sam!” I whispered as I approached.
“I told you not to come.”
“If you didn’t want me to come you wouldn’t have been here waiting!” I pointed out as I melted into his arms.
“I came to think," he lied.
“Let’s go, I don’t have much time.” I tugged at his arm and he followed me to our spot.
“I saw you kissing Mister John.”
“I’m sorry Sam. I don’t love him one bit, you know!” I hated the thought of him watching that.
“I know, Florence.” Sam brushed my hair back with both hands and began to kiss my neck. “I know,” he murmured into my skin. He pulled up my night dress and went to work. He always knew how to take all of my troubles away.
“I can’t do it, I can’t leave you tonight.” I whispered as he shook above me, catching his breath and wiping away sweat. “I don’t want to go.”
“Well you can’t stay.” He was always so realistic. I guess one of us had to be.
“Can we run away? Can’t we just go somewhere together and be happy?” I was young and naïve. There was nowhere that our relationship would be viewed as okay.
“We’re happy now. We have until April to make peace with it.” Sam looked so handsome and hearing him say that made me realize how close together April and September were. Every day that passed felt like a death march an inevitable doom. One day I wouldn't be his anymore. I would never be Sam's wife, and it hurt. “Every thing will be fine.”
I shook my head and blinked fast to get rid of the tears, but it didn’t work. Sam wiped away a tear and pulled me close again. It wasn’t long before I realized that he was crying too. Together we cried and cried. We were mourning the life we could never live together. We were mourning the children we would never have. We were mourning the death that spring would bring to our hearts. Even lying there crying felt alright, as long my body was entangled with his. His dark skin against my pale porcelain skin was a beautiful sight, the candlelight flickering around us made our still bodies look almost as if they were dancing.
“I will never forget this. I will always love you.” I told him, meaning it. He didn’t say anything, but as he kissed me I knew that he felt the same.
I decided to stay home and paint a fall scene and to eat with Mama instead of meeting my friend, I still called him my friend even though he was more like a steady boyfriend by now. She didn’t feel like cooking so I heated up some Campbell’s soup and tried to make small talk as we slurped it up in front of the TV. “Have you gone on anymore dates lately?”
“Of course not.” She sighed. “I’m destined to be alone.”
“You aren’t.” I insisted, I knew she had many lives ahead of her and one of them was bound to be happy. “You’ll find someone someday.”
“Maybe so, but it doesn’t feel like it… The soup is good.” Her hair was pulled back in a little ponytail and I could see how smooth and young her face was. She looked very pretty with the blue glow of Jeopardy dancing across her face.
“I’ve been seeing someone. I’m not sure if I’ve told you that. Carey…” I didn’t look her way, but could feel her studying me.
“A he? Or a she?”
“A he.” I laughed. Wondering why she would think otherwise, had I ever done anything as scandalous as exploring my sexuality? “Carey, as in a guy named that.”
“Ah, like Carey Grant, sounds handsome already.” She teased.
“Yes he is handsome.” I confirmed. “And he’s really a great guy. He’s a junior at the University, and we’re getting kind of serious, I guess.”
“I’m happy for you, Ana.”
“Thanks.” I felt like she meant it and I really was glad to be spending time with her. “Love you, Ma.”
“I love you, too.” I faintly heard her say it and I believed it. She was a good mother despite her flaws and her depression. I understood her and saw through her anguish. No matter what life she was in, Mama would always be dear to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d get it right in our next life together. I really hoped that we would. She interrupted my thoughts, “Your birthday is coming up, Saturday!”
I jumped a little and laughed. “It is! Two days away!”
“Eighteen. I can’t believe you’re almost an adult.” Mama shook her head and set her empty bowl on the coffee table. “Maybe you can bring Carey by sometime.”
“Okay, I will.” I smiled, I couldn’t help but feel like her fog was lifting again. I was familiar by now with her cycles of depression. It definitely felt like brighter times were ahead.
I woke up on my eighteenth birthday to an empty house and a note that read: Ana, I’ll see you and Carey tonight for your birthday meatloaf. I have errands to run and a lunch date with a fellow from the website. XO, Mom
I smiled and tossed the note aside. No matter how depressed she happened to be on my birthday she always managed to make a meatloaf and cupcakes for me, and no matter how vegetarian I happened to be at the time, I made an exception for her meatloaf on my birthday. I couldn’t help but hope that her lunch date went well, I knew how quickly a bad date could send her over the edge. I hated to see her happy streak end, especially on my birthday.
“Eunice, do you think I’m making a mistake?” I asked, almost surprised to hear my own voice.
“Yes ma’am.”
“You do? I shouldn’t marry John?” I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.
“No ma’am. John is a good husband for you. I’m talking about my Sam.” I was shocked to hear her say it, I thought we had everybody fooled. My eyes grew wide and she looked in them squarely. “You two’s going to get somebody killed and it won’t be you.”
“Oh!” I felt like I was going to faint and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning against the tall mahogany rail that reached up toward the ceiling. Eunice reached out and gently touched my hand. She wasn’t going to apologize for speaking her truth, but I could tell she hated to see me so upset.
“Listen,” she lowered her voice, stern but kind. “It needs to end ‘fore it’s too late. You know that well as me.”
“I do,” I said with a sudden realization that we couldn’t keep on sneaking away to be together. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble or shame my father’s name. If Eunice knew, there was no telling who else knew. I couldn't keep pretending that we were in our own little world, because it was quite obvious that we were not. “I will take care of it.”
“Thank ya, Florence. I feel it is best.” Eunice straightened my dressing table and left the room without another word.
I looked at myself in the mirror and shuttered. I was going to have to tell Sam that it was over even if it broke his heart and even though it was breaking mine. I had to end it before it was too late. I gathered myself and headed downstairs to my future husband, John. He was in a jovial mood and I did my best to laugh along with him and enjoy the evening. It was my birthday after all, sadness had no place at such a gathering. My mind kept wandering to Sam, but I reminded myself that John was my future and that I owed it to him to try and be a suitable fiancé. When it was time for him to leave for the evening I leaned in for a kiss willingly. I could get used to his slender lips I supposed. “Goodnight, Mr. Hamilton.”
“Goodnight, my dear and Happy Birthday again. I look forward to the next time our eyes meet.” John was a gentleman and I felt myself blush a little.
“As do I,” I gave his hand a little squeeze, thanked him for the lovely broach he had given me, and headed inside to escape the chilly fall air. Maybe I could make a life with him after all once I put my relationship with Sam to rest. Maybe the fact that I was still involved with Sam was what was holding me back from building a bond with John. I knew that I at least had to try and make things right.
Not long after I told my parents good night and went upstairs to bed, I headed down the back stairway and out to our tree. Sam was there of course, but instead of falling into his arms with passion like I usually would have, I walked up and leaned against the trunk beside him. “Beautiful Florence,” he said with a sigh, not noticing the nerves that his mother had stirred up in me. "I member when you were born. Every person, animal, and blade of grass celebrated. Eighteen years later you are mine, at least for a while longer."
“I had a talk with your Mama, Sam.” I blurted out, almost interrupting his lovely words. “She said we have to stop this. How does she know? Who else knows?”
“Oh she knows everything. If anybody else knew they wouldn’t keep silent, believe me.” His unwavering confidence immediately soothed my fear. I looked at him and almost laughed at how very different he was from the man I was going to marry. They were total opposites in every way. How could I even consider cutting my time with Sam short? I needed to soak in as much of this love as I could before it was gone.
It didn't take much to push my discussion with Eunice out of my mind completely. “Kiss me!” I demanded, realizing that it had been several days since we had seen each other. He did as he was told and suddenly the cool fall air didn’t feel so cool anymore. I was warm and at home in Sam’s arms. No matter what Eunice had to say about it, our moments together were worth the risk! “Take me right here, please.” I whispered. Knowing that it would be the best birthday gift yet.
Again, consumed with passion, he did as he was told. It was the first time we had ever made love under the stars. Usually we headed down to our hideaway, an empty shed away from everything. We usually lit our candle and laid out our blankets, but tonight was somehow different. Tonight my body longed for him in a way that it never had before and I knew that I couldn’t let another second pass without feeling his strength above me. I wanted to be one with him again. Maybe it was because I had almost let him go. Maybe it was because I had almost let my heart soften towards John. No matter what it was, the mingling of our bodies washed away any fear or doubt that had ever worried me.
It was beautiful, simply beautiful. I loved him so wholly and ached for him to release within me. It was as if he read my mind and he let out a primal sound and threw his head back in delight. It was a moment of both beauty and imminent tragedy.
“Florence!” I heard my father’s voice just as my eyes met Sam’s.
“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered, his voice shaking and his eyes wild. “I love you my Florence. I always will, I always will.”
I didn’t understand the weight what was about to happen. Everything would be okay, I would just explain it. We would make them understand “Sam,” I pulled my night robe around me as I stood up. I loved him and I would just have to admit to it and face the shame. "Daddy!"
I could see the moon on my father’s gun. I could see the pain in Sam’s eyes. I suddenly realized what would happen and couldn't breathe. “I’m sorry, sir.” Sam held his hands in the air after pulling his pants up and stepping away from me.
“No,” I whispered. “No, Sam.” I wanted him to run!
“You were having your way with her?” My father demanded, the hatred and anger in his face made him nearly unrecognizable.
“I was.” Sam nodded. What was he doing? He should tell Daddy how in love we were! He shouldn't apologize for anything we had done. It was honest and loving! “I saw her out walking and couldn’t resist. I’m sorry, so sorry.”
“Sam!” I was shocked and speechless. What was he doing? What was he saying? "No, Sam, No!”
Daddy raised his gun and the sound is one that I will never forget. I let out a shriek as Sam fell to the ground in a pool of red hate. I ran off into the woods as fast as I could get away from the terrible scene unfolding before me. I had killed him, it was my fault! My Sam! My love! Now my father thought he had raped me and his name would forever be smeared by a lie. My Sam! Limp and lifeless under our tree! Still warm from our love making, he was gone.
I collapsed onto the ground and felt my father’s arms scoop me up, his warm gun pressing hard into my leg. I was numb and heartbroken. My Sam. My poor Sam. No words can express the pain and sadness and anguish that ripped through my body. I gathered my words and asked my father to hide it all, to pretend it never happened. He said that he would. He didn’t want anyone knowing what that man had done to his little girl. Part of me wanted to defend Sam, but I knew that I couldn’t. Sam had set this in motion by the things he had said. He was protecting me with his dying breath. I gathered my strength and headed upstairs to bed. Numb and alone.
I ached for Sam for months and months, but eventually spring came and it was time to become Mrs. John David Hamilton, III. Eunice helped me get dressed in my fancy Parisian gown, and I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I would never forget my Sam, her Sam, but I couldn’t change the reality of what had passed. “Ya look pretty.” Eunice whispered with tears in her eyes.
I nodded and fought back my own tears. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. I wanted to fall into her arms and tell her that I too had been counting the days and breaths I had taken without Sam in my life. I wanted to explain what had happened and tell her she had been right and that I should have listened. I wanted to wail and mourn some more, but instead I muttered a polite “Thank you,” and headed out into the spring air to become a wife to a man who’s arms and lips and heart could never compare to Sam’s. My Sam.
I could see the worry in Carey’s eyes and I shrugged my shoulders, trying to disguise some of the pain that I already felt. I tapped on the bathroom door and could hear the faucet dripping into a full tub. Maybe she fell asleep in the tub, I told myself. “Mama?” I said desperately as I turned the knob.
You probably know the rest. Mama was reclined in bath, water up to her chin, an empty pill bottle bobbing at the top of the water lazily. The bubbles were still gathered in clusters around her knees and breasts. Her empty wine glass was shattered on the tile floor. She looked peaceful and almost happy. I told Carey to call for a coroner and heard him shuffle down the hall hastily. Some first meeting this was for them. Some eighteenth birthday this was for me. “Oh Mama,” I whispered as I leaned my forehead against her lifeless arm. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you.”
I thought back to her life as Sam and the fact that I had failed him. I thought back to the months I spent in her womb and knew that she had done her best to overcome the pain. I wished that I could’ve loved her enough in this lifetime to take away her depression and sadness. I wished I could have made her want to live, but sometimes life just hurts too much. I felt a warmth around me and knew that she was there consoling me. I felt her, I felt them, and I couldn’t help but smile. Sometimes remembering feels like a burden, but at that moment remembering was the only piece of reality that was worth clinging to.
I studied her lifeless face. She looked peaceful and like a huge weight had been lifted from her. I noticed a scar on her ribs that I had never seen before. It was right where Sam had been wounded on my eighteenth birthday as Florence. Maybe things had come full circle after all. Twice now I had had eighteen years with them. Twice now I was spending my eighteenth birthday under a cloud of death and loss. "I love you," I whispered, I heard sirens in the distance and headed out into the hall to Carey's waiting arms.
As the ambulance pulled out of the driveway I leaned against Carey, who had really handled the situation with dignity so far. He wrapped his arms around me and we both cried. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered into my hair. For the first time I recognized his energy, I wondered why I didn't notice it before. I had once called him Daddy and he had called me Florence. Maybe he did understand my pain after all, this time he could help me through my loss instead of pretending it hadn't happened at all.
The funny thing about remembering is that you can’t blame anyone for pain that they caused or for the way they were. You wouldn’t dare blame someone for something they had done because there is plenty of pain and hate that could also be blamed on you. I knew that even though Mama was gone that I was going to be okay. Finally she wasn’t hurting anymore and maybe just maybe we would have a chance to try it again. I owed it to Mama and to Sam to be as happy as I could be. I would give my life as Ana all that I could give, and I couldn’t help but hope that it would be enough.
FOUR YEARS LATER
Carey and I became man and wife when I was twenty and found out a month before our first anniversary that I
was pregnant with our first child, a baby boy due a week before my twenty-second birthday. We were very happy together and made a
lovely home in the house that I grew up in. I was painting a lot and
selling the paintings at a price that I almost felt guilty about. After all I
didn’t need the money—Mama had left us a fortune and Carey had a good job. I often felt the presence of Mama and knew
that she was around me still. With time I worried less about who I had been and
focused more on who I was going to be. Life was really beautiful.Carey’s strong arms supported me as I gave birth to our son. Through tears I watched him cut the umbilical cord and puff up with pride. He was beaming! He didn’t remember like me, and I was glad he didn’t. It would hurt too much for him to remember some of the roles we had played together. Not everyone was strong enough for those kinds of memories. The doctor wrapped up the pinkish screaming baby that had spent the last nine months growing inside of me and placed him on my chest. I looked over at Carey and smiled. We were parents! I loved him so much and was proud of what we had accomplished together. I looked down at our son and realized that HE was HER. Mama’s kind eyes were gazing up at me, not crying anymore, just taking in the face that she/he had missed for so long. “Oh it’s you again…” I whispered, feeling gratitude and joy mingling together with the new yet familiar feeling of motherhood.
Carey leaned over and kissed my forehead and asked what we should name him.
“Sam,” I said as tears rolled down my face. It was my chance to love them again and to soothe away any pain that was leftover from before. I knew that everything was going to be okay and that we were going to live a long and happy life together this time, “My Sam.”
“Our Sam,” Carey corrected, and I couldn’t help but smile. Our little Sam. Happy Birthday to us.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Reincarnation in the Bible?
Okay, for people who are new comers to the topics that I'm exploring on this blog probably feel totally lost, a little put off, worried about me & my chance of going to heaven, like I belong in a psychiatric ward, confused, or some combination of the above. But is it possible that things are not always as they seem?
I've already shared with y'all that I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. I also shared that my spiritual awakening has actually reaffirmed a lot of the aspects of that religion. But my spiritual awakening has also reaffirmed aspects of every religion! I really believe in LOVE & LIGHT & THE BEATLES! Haha! I mean it. Their songs were right on the money. I really think that Jesus felt the same way. He wanted everyone to get along and to accept each other. No I don't agree with the aspects of religion that lead people to judge each other or even to kill each other, but in the heart of being accepting I'm not going to JUDGE them!
Anyway, from what I understand Jesus came to earth without a veil. A veil in the esoteric world is the "amnesia" that we are born with-- some strong than others. Jesus came into this world knowing who he was, where he came from, the power that love and kindness had, and he wanted to share that with us. He was the son of God, and so are we! He told us that repeatedly.
There are different thoughts on when reincarnation was actually taken out of the Bible, and some say that it was 553 AD(you are welcome to research this yourself more). We've all heard of the councils that decided what stayed and what went, but probably haven't taken the time to give it all that much thought... I think that we can all agree on the fact that the Christian Bible has been translated a lot, edited a lot(we've all heard about and maybe even read the books that they decided not to include), and misunderstood a lot. Some people can take a single verse and twist it to mean something entirely different than what it means in the whole context of the full scripture. These aren't very controversial things to say about the Bible, I don't think!
So let's just consider the fact that reincarnation was knowledge that went out of favor with the powers that were in charge... Maybe they wanted to "control the masses" and disempower people, so they decided that the knowledge of reincarnation was just too powerful or too enlightening. The belief or even talk of reincarnation became punishable by death and so it was somewhere along the way completely weeded out of accepted Christian beliefs.
Despite removing the major chapters and verses that supported and taught reincarnation, there is still evidence right before our eyes! Some verses in the Bible make even more sense when you read them with the thought of reincarnation in mind.... Is it possible that a simple truth about our soul and existence was never even presented to us to accept or reject? I'm starting to think so!
Below are some verses from the Bible... There are even more in the books of the Bible that were removed (the book of Thomas has a lot of direct quotes by Jesus on the topic), if you find these verses interesting, you should definitely look deeper into those. This blog is just an overview to bring up the subject for discussion!
I've already shared with y'all that I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. I also shared that my spiritual awakening has actually reaffirmed a lot of the aspects of that religion. But my spiritual awakening has also reaffirmed aspects of every religion! I really believe in LOVE & LIGHT & THE BEATLES! Haha! I mean it. Their songs were right on the money. I really think that Jesus felt the same way. He wanted everyone to get along and to accept each other. No I don't agree with the aspects of religion that lead people to judge each other or even to kill each other, but in the heart of being accepting I'm not going to JUDGE them!
Anyway, from what I understand Jesus came to earth without a veil. A veil in the esoteric world is the "amnesia" that we are born with-- some strong than others. Jesus came into this world knowing who he was, where he came from, the power that love and kindness had, and he wanted to share that with us. He was the son of God, and so are we! He told us that repeatedly.
There are different thoughts on when reincarnation was actually taken out of the Bible, and some say that it was 553 AD(you are welcome to research this yourself more). We've all heard of the councils that decided what stayed and what went, but probably haven't taken the time to give it all that much thought... I think that we can all agree on the fact that the Christian Bible has been translated a lot, edited a lot(we've all heard about and maybe even read the books that they decided not to include), and misunderstood a lot. Some people can take a single verse and twist it to mean something entirely different than what it means in the whole context of the full scripture. These aren't very controversial things to say about the Bible, I don't think!
So let's just consider the fact that reincarnation was knowledge that went out of favor with the powers that were in charge... Maybe they wanted to "control the masses" and disempower people, so they decided that the knowledge of reincarnation was just too powerful or too enlightening. The belief or even talk of reincarnation became punishable by death and so it was somewhere along the way completely weeded out of accepted Christian beliefs.
Despite removing the major chapters and verses that supported and taught reincarnation, there is still evidence right before our eyes! Some verses in the Bible make even more sense when you read them with the thought of reincarnation in mind.... Is it possible that a simple truth about our soul and existence was never even presented to us to accept or reject? I'm starting to think so!
Below are some verses from the Bible... There are even more in the books of the Bible that were removed (the book of Thomas has a lot of direct quotes by Jesus on the topic), if you find these verses interesting, you should definitely look deeper into those. This blog is just an overview to bring up the subject for discussion!
1 Corinthians 13:12
King James Version (KJV)
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
My Life As: A Native American
Background Info:
In early December I felt compelled to contact a hypnotherapist who I had seen interviewed on the YouTube Channel "Afterlife TV with Bob Olson." She had done a regression on Bob (that channel is a GREAT RESOURCE!) & he sang her praises. I told her a little bit about myself and my aspirations to become a hypnotherapist like her. Much to my surprise and delight she sent me a lovely reply and a gift of a free audio download. It was an mp3 that usually costs money, but she sent me a link to download the Past Life Regression audio for free. I was beyond excited! I couldn't wait for my 2 year old to take a nap so that I could listen to it!
MY FIRST PLR:
Moments after my little girl fell asleep on me, I settled into a comfortable position and put ear buds in. I listened as the soothing voice encouraged me to relax and let go. I breathed in and out and waited. It is a strange experience, especially the first time or two. You hear your regular thoughts still. I kept questioning if I was doing it right. I analyzed everything at first, but after while I was deep enough for my mind to step aside. She counted backwards and said that at the count of zero that I would find myself in a past life that was important to my current life. She said that some people see the images, some people hear the answers, and some people simply know.
"Zero..." her distant voice began to ask me questions about where I was. I realized that I heard water flowing. She said to look down at my feet to see what kind of shoes I was wearing. I looked down, but I didn't see images at all. I kind of wiggled my toes and realized that I wasn't wearing shoes. She asked my name and I heard sounds that I couldn't quite put together into the form of a name. She asked what I was wearing and again without actually seeing it I knew that I wasn’t wearing much but that it was a tan natural type of dress. What kind of hair and skin did I have? How old was I? I was a 15 year old girl with long flowing black hair and dark lovely skin. Was I happy or sad? I was happy but lonely and misunderstood. I was so shy and different from all of the other girls my age. As the regression progressed I learned a lot about myself. I "felt" like I was her. I "knew" the answers to the questions. I was tall and strong.
The voice (which I sort of wanted to go away and just leave me be so that I could explore these new sensations and thoughts) asked me more about myself and guided me through different portions of the lifetime. I realized that I was a Native American (I guess? It’s the closest thing I can relate the village and experience with) girl who was quiet and shy. I watched the other girls my age and envied them for how outgoing and confident they were. I longed to be noticed and to be extroverted. I was in love with an older man who was important to the tribe. I think he must have been a warrior because he was painted and strong looking. I knew he would never love me back because I was so quiet and awkward. It was so hard to want him so deeply and to know that if I could just be more brave and outgoing that he would be able to see that I was just as desirable as the other girls. I felt such a longing and so disappointed with myself for being how I was.
The voice told me to go forward into my twenties and I did. I realized that I was now the strong handsome warrior's wife! I couldn't believe it! I was happy but still felt lonely and different. I had a hard time believing that he actually wanted me, but he did! He saw me and wanted me despite how I was. I lived a happy life and had his children. When the voice progressed me to the day of my passing I felt tired and old. I knew that I was an old woman now and that my beloved husband had already passed. So many people surrounded me as I died. They all loved me and respected me. It was almost like they were coming to hear my final thoughts on what they should do, or to seek my advice. I left my body and floated above the scene and they were doing some sort of ritual around me. I had such a clear understanding of that life after passing. And dying by the way was lovely and not scary at all. The voice as I refer to it, asked me what I had learned in that lifetime? It simply came into my mind as an understanding... I had spent my whole life worrying about what people thought of me and longing to be something different than I was. I was so unsure of myself that I didn't notice that the people around me actually respected me and valued my opinion. They took my silence for wisdom and really considered the times that I actually spoke up to be nuggets of wisdom and truth. The voice asked me what I could take from that lifetime into my current life and I replied "loyalty and truth." Truth and loyalty were my strength. My weakness was worrying so much about the opinions of other's and envying them, also not believing that the man I eventually married would ever notice me or want me. I didn’t believe in myself but clearly at the end of my life it was evident how much everyone else believed in me and looked to me even after my husband passed. I can't explain how real and true this felt to me. I was instructed to thank this version of me for the attributes that she was offering me and the help that they could be in this lifetime. With a count of five I was awake and again aware of the heavy toddler on my chest and amazed at the journey I had taken. I looked at the time on my phone and couldn't believe that it had been 47 minutes. It literally felt like 5.
Reflections:
In the days following my first past life experience I thought about it a lot.
I have ALWAYS longed to have long dark hair and dark skin. I love running water and sometimes open the drain in the tub just so that I can feel the water still flowing while I soak in the bath. The attributes that she showed me were much needed in my lifetime as Lindsay because although I’m more extroverted now, I still have trouble speaking my truth and standing up for myself rather than just pleasing others.
Her longing for that older more prominent man feels haunting to me. At first I wondered if it was Daniel because he is 5 years older than me in this lifetime, but I don’t think it’s him. It makes me sad that she couldn’t see in herself what the warrior saw in her, but at the same time it’s such a good feeling to know that he sought her out anyway even though there were more obvious and probably more appealing options right in front of him.
The death really gives me a better understanding of what it’s like to die. It wasn’t scary. It was beautiful! And after the ritual I literally ended my life floating back down the same river I had floated in on to start the past life regression. Seems fitting!
The fact that Dellah was on my chest sleeping while I had this experience is also just lovely. I’m sure she was in that life somewhere with me and I love that I get to do life over and over again with the people I love.
I contacted "THE VOICE" via email and thanked her for the audio & told her a bit about my experience. She said that the fact that I couldn't pronounce my name and the fact that there were some things that I just didn't know the answer to were proof that it was real. She said if I had been simply making it up that I would've come up with an Indian sounding name and would have never just said "I don't know..."
The first past life regression is difficult. You get better and better at understanding the feelings and interpreting the situation every time you have one. I will always cherish my first PLR! I’m so thankful for this experience! I can’t wait to sit with these past life memories longer and see how my memories of this lifetime can impact or help my life now. I have a feeling they will!
I can’t wait to explore this more!
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